I never would of have considered myself angry, bitter, or spiteful. I never thought myself to be judgmental or envious. But I was. I never wanted to be those things. Quite the opposite. I want want to be kind, empowering, inspiring, and help others.
As part of my self work, or as a call it my “Spirit Time”, during this quarantine I looked at all the things that trigger me. By “trigger” I mean anything that set off a strong negative emotion in me, especially in relation to others.
Once I had this list, the challenge was to write how this trigger was a reflection of me. What was it in me that caused the reaction?
For example, and the reason I share this today, one of my biggest triggers is pregnancy and motherhood.
Let me first say, I’m not proud of these things at all, it just is what it is.
Whenever I would
-Find out someone is pregnant
-See a stay at home mom
-See a birth announcement
-See Mother’s Day posts
-See “bump” updates
I would have one of the following internal reactions
1. “That’s annoying”
2. “Of coooourse SHE’s pregnant”
3. “No one cares!”
4. “You are never going to be a mom”
I blamed the people sharing PICTURES OF THEIR CHILDREN for my pain. WTF?
With this challenge I had to look at these reactions and say, why am I triggered so badly?
Because I want children and don’t have them because
1. Of choices I have made
2. Choices my husband has made
3. Life circumstances
Not because Karen on Facebook has 3 beautiful kids whom she gets to stay home with and is pregnant with her forth (and fifth, it’s twins)!
No, not because of Karen… because of me and MY choices. I was triggered and the reactions I had did nothing but bring me more pain and put mega negative vibes out there.
With every trigger, I would get upset with someone or a situation because it either reminded me of a perceived lack in my life or reminded me of something I didn’t like about myself. With every trigger, I was subconsciously sending negativity, jealousy, and hate out there.
So I asked myself, how does this serve me? The easy answer, it doesn’t.
So, I actively changed my reaction in the following ways
- AWARENESS. Now that I knew my triggers, I could identify why I was feeling a certain way.
- FORGIVENESS- I forgave myself for the reaction. I forgave the part of me that is reflected in the trigger.
- REFRAMING-Rather than thinking of what this person has as something that I can’t have now, I see it as evidence I can have it too!
- LOVE- I actively (sometimes out loud) will send the person or situation love and happiness and in the process, I send it right back to myself.
This Mother’s Day, rather than feeling sadness that I am not a mom, I felt so much true joy. I loved looking at everyone pictures and reading of how motherhood changed lives. It not only made me so happy for those women, but it gave me hope for the feelings and experiences that I trust will be there for me in divine timing.
I cannot tell you how exponentially this has changed my life!
I can go on social media without hating myself by the end of fifteen minutes. People who’s content I could stand to look at has become my favorite. I’m full of hope and faith, rather than hate and fear.
As my spiritual coach, Kristen Jenna, says “everything you are triggered by is a reflection of yourself”. You are always your own trigger, you just aren’t aware until you do the work.
I could either go on with subconscious hate, resentment, and keep sending others (and by-proxy) myself pain… or I could own it. I could look at the darkest parts of myself and shine a light, forgive her, and send joy and love to her and everyone else. And you can, too.