Who the (Expletive) Are You?

If I had one, this would be the title of my book. This is the sentence that started my self-discovery journey. Albeit not right away, but this is the moment I remember “waking up”.

It was September 2019 and I was walking home from the gym listening to the new Bazzi album and the song “Who Am I?” came on:

“Trapped inside of this brain, please get me out of my mind… right now, I don’t know who I am anymore. Don’t have a fucking clue.”

It was like someone turned the lights on and I started sobbing, on the sidewalk, and said out loud to myself “who the f*&k are you?!”

The year prior, I had the most secure sense of self I ever had. If you would have asked me in 2018 “Who are you?” I would have said

I
am a wife
am head coach at OTF Lincoln
am part of the OTF Lincoln family
am a dog mom
am from Lincoln, NE
am working with my best friends
am a fitness competitor
am a homeowner
am healthy
am pretty
am lean
am sure of my future

In 2019, here what that same list looked like
I
am a wife
am head coach at OTF Lincoln
am part of the OTF Lincoln family
am a dog mom
am from Lincoln, NE
am working with my best friends
am a fitness competitor
am a homeowner
am healthy
am lean
am pretty
am sure of my future

Most of the things I had “found myself” in were gone. If they were gone, then what was left?

It would take another 6 months of therapy, breakdowns, medication, and a hard inner work to learn one of the most powerful lessons I’ve ever learned from Ekhart Tolle….. I cannot find my identity in impermanence.

Role Playing

Everything, every role we play, is impermanent. Period.

Our relationships
Our jobs
Our possessions
Our appearance

Every role we have will change, will evolve, and will one day be gone.
We grow apart from others, we change our minds, we change our interests, we grow up, our kids grow up, our parents pass away, our jobs change, we age, our bodies change, trauma happens, and milestones come and go.

So, Who am I?

That was the golden question. If I am not these things, if I am not the roles I play, who was I?

Well, first of all, I know who I am not.
I am not people’s expectation of me, I am not the roles I placed on myself, my job, my status, my finances, my religion, my hobbies, my taste in music, my friendships, my home, my family, my clothing, my appearance.

So who am I? Here’s the best part, I don’t know and I don’t need to know.

All I need to know is how I want to show up in my life, the kind of person I want to say I was when it was all said and done.

So who am I?
I am enough, just as I am.
I am whole, just as I am.
I am capable.
I am kind.
I am compassionate.
I am always growing.
I am ever changing and evolving.
I am loving and loved.
I am hopeful and faithful.
I am forgiving and forgiven.
I am one.
I am right now.

I get to choose this! With ever day, every decision I get to choose. Am I showing up as who I was or who I want to be?

Covid Crisis

Right now, I think Covid has brought a lot of people to this point. A lot of the things we identified with or liked to do were taken away from us overnight.

So who are you when its all gone?
Who do you want to be when it is all said and done?
You choose.

Not your friends, your boss, your mom, your husband, your wife, your coach, your kids, YOU!

So if you’re like me, if you’ve lost even a part of yourself. AMAZING! You know who you are not, now, who do you want to be?

Not what do you want to do or how do you want to do it.

WHO do you want to be, at your core, at your soul.
YOU CHOOSE.

And you know what, you won’t show up as your best self every day. Some days, your old self will show up and all you can do is say

“ah, hello, old friend. I see you are here to visit but you are not welcome to stay.”

Face it. Accept it. Then move forward.

And you know what else, who you choose to be can and will change as you change. That’s okay, too.

I hope you see this for what it is, good news. You are not what has happened to you, you are not the roles you play, you are the being in the human. You are the being of your choosing and its always okay to choose again.

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